


Desiderium

by MyresLight



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Minor Violence, because if I have to suffer so do you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 19:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyresLight/pseuds/MyresLight
Summary: Gamora died alone in space, and took Peter Quill’s heart with her. It’s pieces lying unrecognisable on the dusty plains of Titan.Just a short fic about Peter's thoughts during the last portion of Infinity War





	Desiderium

**Author's Note:**

> This so so gratuitous I’m sorry
> 
> Please enjoy my coping mechanism for coming to terms with IW nicely packaged in the form of mediocre fanfiction x

“Where’s Gamora?”

A small part of Peter knows. There’s only one reason Thanos would let his favoured daughter out of his reach at a critical time such as this. But the truth is too terrible, too impossible. To have come this far, only to lose another person he loves. Surely Peter, flawed as he is, can’t have done anything to warrant that cruelty.

She must be hiding. _Yeah._ He thinks. _She’s escaped ‘cause she’s brilliant and lying low to keep safe._ They’re going to beat this guy half to death for scaring him like that, then they’ll find her wherever she’s chosen to hide, and she’ll call him an idiot or some other fitting insult for worrying so much, and he’ll laugh and hold her _so close_ because he loves her and _she loves him_ and their lives are just beginning to stretch out before them and-

“Where is she!” His voice is getting louder, he feels his throat start to labour and burn, words become rougher, more difficult to produce. But it’s too important. He has to know, has to get back to her cause the two of them had only gotten started, and it’s such a massive galaxy, but without her it’d be so much more _empty_.

“He went to Vormir, and she didn’t come back.”

Nebula’s voice breaks through the haze that had fallen over his mind. The world refocuses into shocking clarity. And everyone, _everything_ else ceases to exist. It’s just Thanos and Peter.

“No, no. Tell me she’s lying!” He yelling right in the Titan’s face, close enough to see the grey mist Mantis has brought over his eyes.

For one second of clarity, they understand each other completely- their emotions are as one. And Peter is left hopelessly adrift.

“I…had…to.”

_She’s gone._

The air is still for one single moment; he thinks he hears Nebula’s breath hitch behind him. He feels a part of himself, maybe the best part, break off and die. A pressure builds up behind his eyes, and it becomes difficult to swallow.

_She’s dead._

_Dead, dead, **dead**._

The moment passes, and raw fury pulses through his body.

_And he’s the one who killed her._

“No, you didn’t. No you didn’t.”

He moves without thinking, body functions left on automatic. He’s blinded by the need to kill, and it’s as strong as it was after Ego and his mother. He never thought that he’d be ruled by that anger again. He never thought that’d he would have that much _hate_ in his heart for another person. But then Gamora died alone in space, and took Peter Quill’s heart with her. It’s pieces lying unrecognisable on the dusty plains of Titan.

He doesn’t think, when he moves. The grief is too raw inside him and he knows, he _knows,_ he can’t kill Thanos. He just wants the Titan to _hurt_. And each time his fist collides against the giant’s face, memories appear before him unbidden.

He swings once, and he’s dancing to Sam Cook at the setting sun turns the sky golden and bright on a poisoned planet. He swings again and the stars are alight with bright explosions, showing off every spectrum of colour and reflecting brilliantly in her eyes. Again, and she’s sitting next to him as they pilot his ship, grinning up at each other as they sail through the dust of space. He remembers that in this moment, he knows that he’ll spend the rest of his life with this woman. He can’t tell the difference between the sweat and tears falling on his cheeks.

Distantly, he thinks he hears Stark shouting at him, but the words are unclear, as if he’s been submerged underwater without air.

She couldn’t be dead. She was strong, and _good_ , and so much _better_ than he was. And _Goddammit_ , he loved her. Why did he take so long to tell her? Why was he so afraid?

Thanos is breaking free but he doesn’t _care_. All he can see is the dark of her hair, the brown of her eyes. He still feels the callouses of her skin, the strength of her grip when her hand held his. He closes his eyes and remembers how warm her breath was, inches from his mouth. How soft her lips were against his.

He chokes back a sob.

He knows Stark tackles him when his fist meets metal instead of flesh; it hurts like hell but he’s beyond the point of caring. His attack is halted, but the damage has already been done. Mantis loses her fragile grip and, somehow, over the noise of struggling, the tearing of a cloak is heard clear across the planet surface.

Thanos breaks free.

Peter feels disjointed for a brief second as he’s sent careering through the thin atmosphere. In the chaos he thinks he bites his tongue, as his mouth at one point fills with the metallic taste of blood. He lands, and then he’s running towards Thanos. But a wave of sheer energy is hurtling towards him and when it hits, this time he doesn’t have the shared strength of the Guardians with him to match it. Her hand isn’t held in his own, and his world goes dark.

When he comes to, it’s in time to see Stephen Strange surrender the Time Stone, and with it their last hope of stopping the Titan’s insane vision. Peter trips over crumbling rock and broken debris, desperately trying to reach Thanos. But in the end, it’s too little, too late. The blasts from his gun just pass right through the vanishing figure, and disappear into the distance.

After Thanos runs, the graveyard is silent again. 

With the Titan removed from the picture, Peter feels himself deflate, and his mind goes into idle. The world moves on around him- he knows this, but the colours have all blurred together, the sounds faint and muddled. It feels as if he’s inhabiting a living corpse.

The remaining Guardians sit in silence, shock and grief lulling them into an uncharacteristic quiet.

The rest of their party stand to the side, unsure what to do with him, or themselves. Stephen looks at him with open disgust, Tony looks at him with weary understanding.

He’s too late, he’s always too late. He couldn’t see Ego for what he truly was until the living planet was collapsing around them, couldn’t comprehend the affection that Yondu had for him until the man’s body was cold in the vacuum of space. He couldn’t confess his love for Gamora until she was facing the end of his gun, seconds from being taken from him. Why didn’t he ever _learn_.

Several minutes pass, (Peter thinks it could be anything from ten to thirty, but he’s stopped counting- there doesn’t seem to be a point anymore), before Mantis’ antennae perk up and, impossibly, her face falls further.

“Something’s happening.” And she sounds so _scared_ but it doesn’t register with Peter. His worst fears have already come to pass. Whatever hell comes next, it can’t be worse. It _can’t_.

It is.

Mantis and Drax disappear before him, and it’s then he knows he must already be dead.

“Quill?” And _fuck_ , why does he have to let everyone _down_?

His own skin begins to darken and it feels like nothing else he’s ever known before. Every part of his body stops, and inch by inch he just…detaches. It’s almost a relief.

“Oh man…”

There’s no glory, no noise, when he finally slips away. All that was ever Peter slowly comes undone on that dead world, far out in space. He feels the atmospheric breeze pulling him apart, almost gently, scattering his ashes among the cosmos. The gaze of the distant stars his final witness.

His last though before his body vanished into oblivion is that the wind could almost be her, opening her arms to welcome him home.

And then Peter Quill feels nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Desiderium. Definition: an ardent desire or longing; especially: a feeling of loss or grief for something lost
> 
> Can you tell I just threw every cliché in at once and hoped for the best? Please excuse the numerous grammatical errors and general lack of accuracy
> 
> As always my tumbr is @nocturnalartemis if you want to yell at me


End file.
